All I want for Christmas...

And I? I am alone at a crossroads. I'm not at home in my own home.

These are lyrics to a song that I've heard sung hundreds of times, and yet, this week, those words have brought me to TEARS many times. I feel like they describe SO perfectly my feelings right now. I do feel like I'm standing alone at a crossroads. I don't feel at home in my own home. And I'm like, 'really, Jillann?! Pull it together.' I'm not really sure, but I think it comes down to this: All I want for Christmas is Daddy, Mama, Bobby, Jack, Katie, and Holly Baby. I've never spent Christmas away from them. And I just had no idea that it would be this hard.

But if we really want to talk about what's hard, let's talk about this: 2,000 years ago, a Father sent his son to be born in a cattle's stable, knowing that his beloved child would grow up to be painfully strung up on the cross--but not because He Himself ever sinned. No, because I sinned. Now that's REAL pain. Why don't I wipe away my own selfish tears and cry about that more often?

So, why have I had so many tears in the last week when my students bring me unending joy? When my love for these people overflows? When I see and know that HE is good?! Maybe it's culture shock, maybe it's the desire to be with the people who really love me, maybe it's that I just miss all things comfortable and familiar: Normal food, other people who speak English, having the convenience of a Sunday morning Ch-rch service... Would somebody slap me please and remind me why I'm here?! These things are so selfish--I'm here because of that Baby born in a stable 2,000 years ago. I'm here not only because he died sinless for me, but because He conquered death in a way that nobody else ever has. And that Baby in the manger, the Son of the Most High G-d, has led and called and placed me here. HERE. And I abandoned that which was comfortable and familiar for his sake. And as I celebrate Christmas 12 hours before my family this year, on the other side of the globe, I still know that I celebrate because of HIM, the author and perfecter of my f@ith, who DIED for me. And now I truly live because HE truly lives.

So, dear family, I do want you for Christmas. More than I ever have before. However, even more than that, for Christmas, I desire to see the hearts of this nation turn from evil and toward the infinite light of our perfect Sav!or.

Please continue to lift up my work here as I, through my own human struggles and failures, seek to bring the light of Christmas and the Child in the manger to my students, my co-workers, and my beautiful little village. Pr-y this I will see in a new light HIS love for this nation, and that I would make the most of every opportunity to tangibly be that love.

And I? Well, I'm going to wait on the L()rd, and take these words to heart:

From Romans 5:

..and we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of our Father. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because the Father has poured out his love into our hearts by the H()ly Sp!r!t, whom HE has given us.