ka-POW.

This is me. (Hey there.)

I don’t sleep with a pillow.

My favorite word is PEAPOD.

I’m incredibly punctual.

I celebrate Cinco de Mayo every year like it’s going out of style. And yet,

I’m as Dutch as they come.

I’m a little bit pigeon-toed.

I wash my sheets too often.

And, I LIVE IN KAZAKHSTAN.

What makes me different? Nothing really, aside from the little things above. That, and maybe the fact that just prior to writing this, I ate horse intestines.

We’re all people, we’re all children of the Most High, we all love and long to be loved, we all see and feel and desire. We all bear His image, and whether we live it or not, we’re all creatures created to worsh!p and glorify HIM. So, while we’re all unique in the I’m-Dutch-and-love-punctuality way, we’re really all the same.

And we’ve all got insecurities. My roommate’s away fulfilling a few grad school requirements, so I’ve had a while on my own, just me, to sort through mine. And now, lucky reader, you get to read all about them:

I think in deciding to be an overseas “worker,” most people have unrealistic expectations—I certainly did:

“Educated Westerner teaches hundreds of orphans to read.”

“Volunteer saves rural village from mudslide.

“American teacher saves the world.”

Maybe, just maybe, we expect headlines like those above. And I’m not saying I necessarily expected those headlines to be written about me, however, I absolutely had too high of expectations for myself.

I think I came here expecting to see huge results, not realizing that I may never even see the results of my work. (I’m not talking about teaching here. I see those results everyday.) I was feeling discouraged in this, and lifting it up to the Father. This is what he taught me:

It’s like hammer in the hand of a builder. You take a nail, hold it up to the wood, and tap it a few times before you pound it in. You tap it in order to anchor it firmly into the wood---tap, tap, tap. And when it’s anchored, ka-POW. You slam it in all the way. Then, you leave it, confident that it will hold what it needs to on it’s own.

Maybe I’m here just to be that first tap, or that first tap-tap-tap in someone’s life, just anchoring them in to the truth, moving them to solid ground, opening their hearts to hear the truth, giving them the tools to fight against the dev!l. I’m the first American that most of the people here have met—the first Chr!st!an that almost all have met. So why am I expecting to be that final ka-POW? And while I long to ka-POW every single one of my new friends here, if I don’t get to ka-POW a single person this year, I’m absolutely fine with that. I know G-d will not leave this work unfinished. If I continue to faithfully tap, I have no doubt that my huge G-d will bring along a ka-POWer in His time to finish the job.

My time here so far has been an incredible gift. I feel like I’m not necessarily adjusting to living in a different place, but rather, in a country that’s wildly different from mine, I’m adjusting to a different way of seeing things. In reality, it’s not me working here at all. Because I can do nothing apart from HIM. Not me, but HIM in me. And that, friends, is a VERY cool thing.

I think another insecurity of mine is this: What if I come back and can’t give firm numbers of those who have been born again? Will the people who sent me wonder what the heck I was doing while I was here? Will they think my work was for nothing? If I don’t accomplish BIG things while here, will my senders wonder why I came in the first place? I’m selfishly afraid of that.

But even more than I’m afraid of that, I know this: I’m here for that one little tap in that one little heart; to make that one heart of stone just a little more moldable, a little more open. Even if I don’t see the fruit of this love labor, I will leave this place satisfied and content, knowing that doors have been opened. And how incredibly humbling is the knowledge that he allowed me to open them.

So, that’s who we are—here for just a little bit, but given the chance to make a world of difference. That difference might just be the first little tap. But, that difference might also be the final ka-BAM, made possible by those who, by the power of the H01y Sp1r1t, tapped before you.

My heart is heavy and so burdened with the darkness of this place—with the hardness of these hearts. So, I’m here, tapping away...

And that’s me. That’s who I am to my CORE. That’s who I want to be forever.

I’m a woman with a hammer. WATCH OUT, WORLD.

[This post is dedicated to my college roommate and one of my best friends in the world, Rebecca Zurbrick. She leaves THIS WEEK to be a full-time m!ss!0nary in Uruguay. Becca, I love you and lift you before HIS throne all the time…This is what we dreamed about and talked about SO many nights as we feel asleep on Houghton 7. And now, we’re both living this incredible dream! Welcome to the BEST work force in the world. I love you so so much! Love, J.]